Wednesday's "What They Really Believe": Wicca

Today's What They Really Believe Wednesday is brought to you by Wicca.

You guys didn't think you were off limits. Did you?







I will try my best to not be the typical American Atheist that you come in contact with on a regular basis. Most of us seem to be  former Christians who – for whatever reason – have rejected those beliefs. We tend to mock, attack, criticize, and belittle Christians and Christianity in general. I imagine because it's so easy. What I am trying to say is that we know so much about the religion that we were born to believe, that we fail in discerning other religions.



That will not be allowed on this blog. The "What They Really Believe Wednesday" articles are specifically designed to give you details about different religions. Not details that you are already aware of. I want to inform you of all the things that I consider strange, funny, secretive, ludicrous, and just plain absurd.




I will also talk about obscure religions. This is done in my own unique way. I do describe this writing as "talking" because I ain't no writer. See what I mean? Hell, I am not even a talker. I don't have good diction or grammar. I am a communicator. I hope you enjoy this blog. If not, click here.


In my opinion, Americans love "light" things. It allows for polarizing or controversial things to be accepted in our society. That's why fat people drink Diet Coke. They are still drinking unhealthy sugary acid. If you are in an area that isn't necessarily kind to republicans, you call yourself a Moderate Republican. You are still voting with your party. If you don't want to appear spooky or pagan, you say Wiccan. You are still a witch, hence full of shit.


There are various types of Wiccans. I will primarily be discussing the ones who are not atheist or agnostic.




There is a lot of nonsense in this religion. So much, that it baffles my mind. First of all they believe in God. Let me rephrase that. They believe in Gods and Goddesses. I wouldn't want Pan coming after me. Apparently everything has polarizing levels. Everything is alive, so everything has a masculine and a feminine. I guess they don't care about science either. Forget the fact that there is absolutely ZERO evidence of there even being a God. They want to make it clear that there are goddesses out there as well. I guess they also could care less what male and female even means. Don't we have enough stupidity in the world without them further muddying up the waters of belief? This has got to stop!



I don't care about the various ways that they describe the creator, head, God, Goddess, or personification of their religion. They are all wasting their time. The sun is a giant ball of mostly hydrogen that earth revolves around. It keeps us warm. The moon is a big rock. Its colors are light enough that it kind of glows at night. There really isn't much else to it. I know all these amazing discoveries because I took first grade science. I really wish they would stop making shit up. It's too easy to disprove. The earth is not your mother Wiccans. I understand that you have issues with your mom. Worshiping a huge rock with water all over it is not a good alternative. Call your mother. She misses you. I digress.




Let us not forget about reincarnation. You know, when after you die, you come back as another person or animal. I knew that beetle I stepped on looked familiar. It was grandma! I'm a murderer! I hope I don't have to come back as an ass gerbil for some gay guy who wants his rectum tickled. If you are a gay guy, you may like that. I support you. But don't punish me Ass Gerbil God. Once again, there is no evidence of this. For some reason, that doesn't stop people from believing in it. My advice? Live your life now. Enjoy that body of yours. Do whatever you wish with it. Sooner or later worms will be crawling through it until you are dust.







As with most religions, Wiccans are also on this spirit or soul trip. I still haven't figured out where mine is. If I keep doing what I do at night, will my soul escape out of my urethra? I hope not. If that's true, I was a lost soul at age 13. I guess that's why the Catholic Church calls it a sin.







If you die, don't worry. Some Wiccans believe that they can speak to the dead. The dead and the deities reside in places like "Otherworld" or "Summerland" Based on the websites that I've read, it's invisible to the human eye. Seems like the Neitherworld in the Beetlejuice cartoons. Can anyone get me a pair of Wicca glasses to see the invisible place where all the spirits dwell? Nonsense on a pedestal. 



Now it's Magic time. It is my absolute favorite part of Wicca. It's what puts the witch in Witchcraft. They don't see it as supernatural. That would be stupid. Magick (that's how some of them spell it) is seen by Wiccans as a way to manipulate the forces of nature. Magic has a difficult time at being effective in front of cameras and skeptics. That would prove that it was real. No one wants to do that. Why be bothered with this reality business when you have magic?

Wicca repeatedly explains magick as some sort of branch of science. This branch is just difficult or impossible to explain. Please get a dictionary and an encyclopedia. Once on the "science" entry, you will see that saying magick is some sort of "unexplainable science"is an oxymoron in itself. It kind of shoots your credibility when you are unable to define facets of your own religion.



Are you serious Wiccans? So you use magic for fertility, protection, and negative influences? So if some criminal punches a pregnant witch in the stomach, it must be the witch's fault. I guess she didn't use her "magic spells" correctly. I's not saying I am going to punch a pregnant witch to prove my point either. But come on people! Also if you really can heal, do me one favor. Go to Children's Hospital and go on a healing spree. Heal your asses off. See that little bald girl? Hook her up. Kids with AIDS? Too easy. I would imagine that none of your kids get sick either. That's right. I almost forgot. You are lying. My mistake. Carry on. Continue to abuse your freedom of speech and religion by claiming that magic is real.





I can go on and on about the rituals, books, books, and symbols. But we all have those. The United States is built on them.



The reason I hate these people is that their bullshit is bullshit that you can see with your own eyes. You can see that it's completely made up. Spells. Magic. Gods and Goddesses. Don't make women look stupid. Only a man could be a God. If God was real, he'd be this big dumb idiot; wanting praise, allowing all this death and destruction and needing a special religion to call him up. Why do you think I (a man) created this page? So you can all praise me!




This is just some alternative religion that is silly enough for a lot of people who need something to believe in. You might as well stick with the ancient bullshit that's already there. How dare you make some new nonsense up? I was perfectly fine with Ra, Isis, and Osiris.

You deserve to be attacked because you also add to the retardation of society. Raise one fucking penny off the ground. Just one. Let me see it. If I can see you do lift a penny one millimeter off the goddamn floor, I'll change the whole theme of this page. How about the Dark Skin Warlock?



You are not criticized by Atheists nearly as much as you should. You are the same as the rest of the nonsense out there. You prey on the weak minded. You don't seem to do it for money or power. It appears to be attention. You are a mockery of human advancement. You are not Wiccans. You are witches. If I believe in you, I might as well believe in vampires, werewolves, angels, and Jay Leno.




On the other hand, I can take the Agnostic approach. Bewitched could have been a documentary. Maybe there is an invisible Horned Goddess running around. She is probably a fat lesbian who is really into old Anne Rice books. Maybe magick does work. I just need the spell or potion for either making women's hands smaller or my penis larger. That would be awesome. And I might want to chill out with all the "witch dissing before I get dealt with. " They could make sure that I return as a crab on Paris Hilton's vagina. I guess that's better than actually being Paris Hilton's vagina. At least crabs can hop off at anytime.





I have no time for nonsense. Every outlandish claim will be rooted out and done away with. I don't care if they appear harmless and they just mind their own beeswax. I understand that Wicca is peaceful and they do not start wars. I guess that's enough reason to leave them alone. No dice.


Never pass up the opportunity to call a bullshiter out on his/her bullshit. I do it everyday in the mirror. This hocus-pocus, fairy dust, Tinker Bell bullshit must stop. You help NOTHING! Therefore, you are a waste of time. It's called mythology for a reason. We did away with you centuries ago with the help of Jesus and Muhammad. Sooner or later they will follow your silly gods and goddesses to the land of mythological beings. Fuck you Wiccans, witches, and warlocks,  and the unicorns you rode in on.