And now the exciting conclusion to the Monday Morning Moron: Abraham
The Original Charles Manson.
I am telling a story not reading scripture. This is the way I would tell it. It the full story and not that bullshit half story that your minister would tell you.
So Sarai is hot steaming mad. I guess you would be too if your maid all of a sudden became hot shit. What does Abraham, the "man of the house" do when he finds out one of his ladies are acting like they have a say so? Does he try to smooth his hoes out like a real mack? Nope. In fact, he gives Sarai a "free ticket" to do as she pleases. Hagar has had enough. Hagar is done with the whole lot of them. Now her and that little bastard Ishmael are out on the streets. I guess we know who wears the pants of the house. Well they all seem to be wearing those bed sheets, but you catch my drift.
It was probably all the better for Hagar and Ishmael to be away from the Abraham family. I can't imagine that being a good environment for a kid. The worse part is that they are in the friggin desert! I imagine them being hot, sweaty, running out of food and good drinking water. How convenient for God to magically appear to Hagar in person. He probably gives her a Ving Rhames-esque, response similar to the one in Pulp Fiction. So God chills Hagar out and tells her to get back to where she belongs. Now she goes back to The B.C. Manson Family. God lets her know that her son will be the father of a multitude. Which I imagine means that Ishmael will get more chicks than the Sultan of Brunei.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+16&version=KJV
The Original Charles Manson.
I am telling a story not reading scripture. This is the way I would tell it. It the full story and not that bullshit half story that your minister would tell you.
So Sarai is hot steaming mad. I guess you would be too if your maid all of a sudden became hot shit. What does Abraham, the "man of the house" do when he finds out one of his ladies are acting like they have a say so? Does he try to smooth his hoes out like a real mack? Nope. In fact, he gives Sarai a "free ticket" to do as she pleases. Hagar has had enough. Hagar is done with the whole lot of them. Now her and that little bastard Ishmael are out on the streets. I guess we know who wears the pants of the house. Well they all seem to be wearing those bed sheets, but you catch my drift.
It was probably all the better for Hagar and Ishmael to be away from the Abraham family. I can't imagine that being a good environment for a kid. The worse part is that they are in the friggin desert! I imagine them being hot, sweaty, running out of food and good drinking water. How convenient for God to magically appear to Hagar in person. He probably gives her a Ving Rhames-esque, response similar to the one in Pulp Fiction. So God chills Hagar out and tells her to get back to where she belongs. Now she goes back to The B.C. Manson Family. God lets her know that her son will be the father of a multitude. Which I imagine means that Ishmael will get more chicks than the Sultan of Brunei.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+16&version=KJV
Now Hagar and child are back with that millennia's version of Michael Myers (Abraham) and his wife Eva Braun (Sarai). Sarai once again has to look at this "side piece" and that son of hers everyday. Why does that bitch Hagar get the biggest tent with the good rugs? Hagar gets the royal treatment because she is the Jane Seymour of her day. That Jane Seymour attitude will soon get Hagar in a lot of trouble and watch how the tables do turn. Remember Anne of Cleaves?
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+17&version=KJV
So now God decides to do the most sensible thing. Make sure Sarai gets pregnant. Being that advanced in age, she must have been as dry as the desert. A lack of viable eggs didn't matter to God a bit. Not like he had to have sex with her. God slaps on a coat of moisture and stuffs her full of eggs. Then he comes down and tells her that she is going to have a baby. Sarai does what any woman would do when God tells them something. She laughs her ass off. If she had an iPhone, she would have probably texted all of her BFFs "Girl you'll never guess what Yahweh said to me. This fool said imma have a baby. ROFLMAO. God be trippin yo"
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+17&version=KJV
Who really should be stressed out is Abraham. He probably stopped even having sex with Sarai 50 years ago. I mean who would want to? Have you ever seen your great-grandmother naked? Picture it. Now picture her and your great-granddad doing it! Sorry I had to do that to you. But that's what he has to do. Now the new baby, Isaac is born. My mother had me in her 40s and people were worried that I was going to be retarded. The jury is still out on that one. Imagine what Isaac must look like. Think of William Hung, 50 Tyson, with a little bit of Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man".
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+21&version=KJV
Who really should be stressed out is Abraham. He probably stopped even having sex with Sarai 50 years ago. I mean who would want to? Have you ever seen your great-grandmother naked? Picture it. Now picture her and your great-granddad doing it! Sorry I had to do that to you. But that's what he has to do. Now the new baby, Isaac is born. My mother had me in her 40s and people were worried that I was going to be retarded. The jury is still out on that one. Imagine what Isaac must look like. Think of William Hung, 50 Tyson, with a little bit of Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man".
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+21&version=KJV
What is also crazy is that after Sarai has this kid, she apparently becomes hot shit herself. Sarai also realizes that her son Isaac will get nada in inheritance. So she tells Abraham that she is not giving that bastard child a dime when he dies. This is one of the few times Abraham is perplexed about some bullshit going on. So he prays. Funny thing... God AGREES WITH SARAI! Yep. He is as spineless as Abraham was the first time Hagar got fed up and left. God basically tells Abraham "do whatever she says". If she wanted the bitch dead..you know the rest.
Long story short, balls-less Abraham kicks Hagar and his son out of the house. So she is out on the streets again. This time she almost dies. God does her a solid and make sure that she DOESN'T DIE. But they still have to live in the wilderness. God says he took care of them (sure God) and he grows up to be a "fine bowman". Pretty raw deal. Anyway, Ishmael apparently gets a decent job and father's a multitude. The Muslims believe they have descended from Ishmael.
Around this time, Abraham becomes what we call a "meat gazer". Meat gazing is when you stare at other men's dicks for way too long and obsess about them. A mistaken glance is fine. Just delete it from your mental hard drive, unless you are gay, which is fine with me. But don't pretend to be batting for the Phillies when you are really a Yankee. In this analogy, the Yankees are the homosexuals. I digress.
God informs Abraham that he made a design mistake. That pesky foreskin over the head of the penis is disgusting. So he tells Abraham to cut it off. Not just his family, but everybody. Sheppard's, servants, security guards, cooks, and all the rest have GOT to lop it off. I imagine a foreskin massacre. A bloody penis Armageddon of biblical proportions is occurring. You have broken the covenant of God if you have the foreskin that he created. No if ands or buts about it dude.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+17&version=KJV
I almost forgot something else. This is also around the time that Sarai becomes Sarah. Abraham used to be Abram before this time, but why confuse you? This story is crazy enough already.
Isaac does grow up to be old enough to hang around his dad. This was a bad idea for Isaac. It's time for Abraham and God's crazy ideas. Or so it seems. Isaac and Abe are going for a good old sacrifice. Abe is carrying the wood, but there is no lamb. Young Ike is smart enough to ask his dad, "Where the hell is the lamb dad?" Abraham lets him know that God will provide one. Isaac must be scared, because before the field trip, God tells Abraham to kill his son. Yep, kill him. Sacrifice him like a lamb. No questions dude. Commit first-degree murder on your own son. Isaac must have been nervous, because the further up the mountain they traveled, the more Isaac asked his dad where the lamb was. This is why I say that Isaac must have been retarded. He get's up on an altar, and lets his dad tie him up. I hated to turn my back on my dad for fear that he would pop me in the back of my head. This is the point where Abe truly becomes a sick fuck. He draws back and prepares to bleed his son dry. Then an angel appears! That's right. A dude with wings, right out of the sky shows up. "You've been punk'd Abraham." God was only fucking with ya. It was all a test to see if he really would do it. If God told Abraham to jump off a bridge, he'd dive head first before the good Lord could say "Candid Camera".
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+22&version=KJV
The part of the Angel was played by Ashton Kutcher.
Not much else happens. Abraham goes on to get another chick. He had six kids by her too. Later in Genesis we learn that his offspring could easily attain the title of "Worlds Most Dysfunctional Family." He dies at the age of 175 if you believe the Old Testament. I did. Almost failed 5th grade science for arguing with a teacher that people lived way past 35 in those days. My mother proudly tells that story to this day. Thanks mom for making me look like an academic idiot.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+25&version=KJV
So what did we learn yesterday and today?
Muslims have a legitimate reason to be pissed off. Forever!
Abraham is not that different from Charles Mansion.
Sarai was the Halle Berry of her day
An elderly woman can have children
A wife can understandably go ape-shit after (despite suggesting the act and result) the maid gets pregnant by her husband
God will keep reminding you that you will "father a multitude".
If you have foreskin, you're not for God
If a voice tells you to stab and kill your son, listen to it, then burn the body.
4.000 years ago, you could live to be 175.
If you are nuts, so will be your offspring.
No church will EVER tell you this story.
I really could not find any tale, redeeming story or parable that reinforces any morals, beliefs, knowledge, or wisdom. I have always been told that the moral of the story is to always listen to God. Since I don't believe in God, I don't have to worry about that. The most disturbing part is if a voice tells you to kill your son, it's perfectly fine.
Abraham is considered to be the Father of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Since I have proven that he is a simple-minded idiot, I can easily understand why people are still suffering on behalf of him. I credit him with being the Father of Atheism. This is because he is clearly a crazy man. That should be enough to convince you that the bible is full of shit. It's patriarch is the worst person in the whole book. Choose Atheism people. You will never be asked to cut any penises. Even though it looks much better that way.
Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to nararate this over a cartoon using your words. Classic!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteCorrection. Lets Make it happen shoeresh.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.
ReplyDelete