Freedom From Religion Fridays: What Would Jesus Do?

This post has been brought to you today by Ol' Dirty Bastard AKA Big Baby Jesus

I don't know who was crazier.



Religion, belief, superstition, nonsense, imagination and delusion are currently infinite subjects. I don't think that I will run out of material anytime soon. If this was in Japan, those Nordic countries or even England, this would not be such a big deal. Americans are the fucking screwballs. We are the ones who are really into this religion thing. Well us and the Middle East. We pretend like they are crazy. That's true. The Middle East is crazy in an illiterate, Islam only, media blackout kinda way. It's so many reasons for why a guy would be a real life terrorist. Those three reasons are enough.


What the fuck is America's excuse? We have Harvard, Princeton, and Yale for education. Newspapers from the Wall Street Journal to The Detroit News are easily accessible. You can even practice Satanism in the Armed forces. There is no reason why we should not all be intelligent, freethinking, rational individuals. Who is responsible for this madness? What person could bring a nation to its knees (literally)? It wasn't particularly hard to find the culprit. Let's call him Jesus.


When I was in grade school, people began wearing these bracelets. The styles and colors varied widely. But they all had the same letters WWJD". That stands for "What Would Jesus Do?" The idea is-before you make a decision- you should ask yourself "What Would Jesus Do?" That's because everyone thinks that Jesus was a fantastic guy. To most people he was so smart. He was so cool. Jesus was a rockstar to dudes and chicks all over the world.


I don't hold this view. I think that we view Jesus The same way as we view George Washington chopping down a cherry tree or Abe Lincoln walking miles to return a penny. No one really thinks about why we think this way about him. We just do. He was a nice guy and that's all that should matter. Jesus had a message for everyone and we can look to him telepathically through prayer. If that doesn't work, you can figure it all out yourself by asking "What Would Jesus Do?"


Let me start out this thing by pointing out a few facts.First Jesus wasn't even the guys fucking name. It was Yehosua. That's just the Hebrew version of Joshua. It was no Christ family walking around. That just means chosen one. They didn't have last names. So you would probably go by your dad's name. Therefore, his name was probably  Joshua son of Joseph or Yehosua bin Yosef. I only point this out because Americans are so goddamn religious and they don't even know what his name is. Jesus just has a nice ring to it. If you never get a chance to go to a black church to hear the name "JESUS" shouted from the rooftop, rent the movie "The Apostle" directed by and starring the great Robert Duval. After watching it, you'll see that screaming Yehosua sounds weak. Again, it's just funny that Christians don't even know the guy's name. That's like me calling my favorite actor Darnell Waddington (Denzel Washington).


The second point I want to remind everyone is one very important thing. We have like no real evidence that this dude existed. The fact that most parts about Jesus' life were derived from other stories, myths, or tales is for you to see for yourself. You'll have to look that up yourself. But the fact is, I really can't any definitive proof that Jesus was here. I mean we think he was a real person. He probably was. a real dude, but we don't know 100%. I don't think we even know 80%. Seems like there's so much drama about a son of a bitch, who was probably here 2,000 some odd years ago, in the desert. If it wasn't for Christianity being all in my face all day long, I wouldn't give a fuck about whether he existed, who he was, or any of the (alleged) bullshit that he said.


I'm not done folks. Far from it. Let's get back to the WWJD thing. If you really think that Jesus was such a wise sage who did all this amazing shit, you have to look at him in two different ways. The first way is the supernatural. In this way, Christians look at Jesus as the Son of the creator of the universe. They see him as God on earth or damn near God himself. Then you have the punk ass hippie way of looking at Jesus. They don't get down with all the "Raising Lazurus from the dead" jive. They just think he was an awesome dude who had so much to say about life, love, and helping the brother man.



I hold the position that no matter how you view Jesus, the odds are, that you are probably not looking at Jesus logically, historically, and even the biblical Jesus. It's no way that anyone should ever ask "What Would Jesus Do?" Let's take a look at the supernatural, magical view of Jesus. Then let's take all the supernatural bullshit out of there and see if we still view Jesus as this amazing philosopher that everyone loves and admires.





SUPERNATURAL JESUS


If you are a Christian, don't worry. I am not here to talk about your religion per se. This section is just for clarity. Let's just get a few thing's out of the way. You believe that Jesus is the literal Son of God. You think that his mother, Mary, was a virgin. The bible also tells you that at an early age, Jesus performed magic. I have to say magic, because it's no other way to put it. You call it miracles or supernatural feats or whatever. Fine. You also believe that Jesus got killed and rose from the grave in complete human form.


Like I just said, I am not here to shit on Jesus today. I am just going to put the previous statement in perspective. If you believe all the stuff that I just wrote about Jesus, I have one question for you. Why would you ask Jesus what he would do? It's the dumbest question that you could possible ask yourself or Jesus for that matter.


The answer is always magic. Since Christians completely disregard the laws of science (especially physics), they think that there are an infinite amount of scientific lawlessness (magic) that Jesus can perform on a daily basis. Therefore, there is nothing that Jesus would "do" in human terms. He would always just call up his special powers and change his surroundings. For example, I hear about people needing to make an important decision regarding money or finances. They don't know which way to turn, who to ask for help, or how they can resolve this issue. So they pray to God first. That's always the first route. After God doesn’t respond, they turn to the "WWJD?" philosophy. If you are Christian, you already know the answer. Jesus would make a million dollars fall out of the sky if he wanted to. He can do anything that he wants.


The bible said that Jesus walked on water and raised Lazurus from the dead. So the whole million dollar trick should not be that hard. Apparently if Jesus wanted to clone himself and then see how it felt to touch himself, he could technically "go fuck himself". If he was hungry and wanted some Honey Nut Cheerios, abracadabra and voila, there is his honey of an O-O-O.  The problem is YOU can't do any of that shit. So there is no need to ask that question, because no matter how many times you try to conjure up some super powers, it's not going to work. His dad was God and he doesn't need to keys to his father's BMW. He has the keys to heaven. Therefore, don't ask "WWJD?" Jesus had more powers than all of the X-men combined. You can't even get your money right.






REGULAR OLD JESUS

If you are not a Christian and are of the five billion people who do not believe that Jesus was the son of God, you probably see it a different way. Some of you are Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists. You think that Jesus was awesome, but not "Lord and Savior" awesome. Some of you all look at Jesus like a  great revolutionary philosopher type of fellow. Many people are secular and defend Jesus. They talk about all the great things he said and how cool and calm he was in times of confusion and despair. But it's so much that you are forgetting about the Jesus your parents didn't tell you about. Jesus was a dark motherfucker at times.

Take a look at your good buddy Jesus at his finest.

 John Chapter 2
 1On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, 2and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."
 4"Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied, "My time has not yet come."

Sounds like Jesus was a little drunk and told his mother to fuck off.

But I don't want to get into quoting the bible. There are many people who look at Regular Old Jesus as a good dude. Some think that you shouldn't look to the bible for direct quotes. These people like Christian Atheists (there is such a thing), believe that you have to read between the lines. To them, we should not take it all literal. Jesus was a good dude. By using "WWJD?" what you are really asking yourself is what would a guy like Jesus do in my situation - devoid from all the Magical Jesus stuff.

Now it's time to get real with these supposed logical people who look up to Jesus. Jesus was born about 2,000 years ago in the burning hot sun. I doubt that they were big on soap and toothbrushes back then too. Bottom line, Jesus probably stunk to high heaven. Just imagine yourself going back in time 2,000 years. You have to do a little "No. 2". Well first you are shitting in a hole. They still do that today. Now you are done. You reach for some toilet paper. Then you remember. There is no toilet paper. So you have to use your hands. That's right. Your hands to wipe yourself. That's what Regular Old Jesus did. So you are asking advice from a guy who couldn't even wipe his ass properly. But those were the times. I guess you should still take advice from a guy who smells like shit.

I also believe that Jesus probably was illiterate. Imagine how many people can read today. Then imagine how many people could read 100 years ago. Now go back further to the times of Henry VIII.  The King was mad that average citizens were reading the bible. He thought that they were too stupid to interpret the "Word of God". Now go back 1500 years before that. Tell me why the hell would a carpenter need to know how to read the bible? I mean his mom didn't work and his step dad was a carpenter. I never read about Jesus going to school, because he probably never learned to read. I have heard arguments either way. I just use common sense to think - if he really was literate - why didn't he write down ANYTHING. His friends didn't write down anything either. You would think that a guy doing and saying all this shit that would have made John Lennon look like Justin Beiber, someone would have started writing it down. Maybe he could read and write. I doubt it. After all, he was homeless.
Yes, homeless people. Jesus was a young guy, single (stop trying to make him and Mary Magdeline married), and hung out with dudes all day. He was probably a called a carpenter because his dad was a carpenter. Joe Montana's son plays quarterback for Notre Dame. That doesn't make him an NFL quarterback. Besides, I didn't read about him making one damn chair for his mother. No he was busy hanging out with only a bunch of dudes, walking around preaching. I am not saying that is the gayest thing I have heard in my life. What I will say is this. Better yet I will quote the bible. Luke 9:58

Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

  Translation: Fucking homeless. When you ask "WWJD?", what you are really asking is what would a stinky, toothless, illiterate bum do in my complicated, technologically advanced, modern world?

Nothing. Jesus died 2,000 years ago.

But if you do want to have a little laugh, participate in my new monthly posting "WWTRJD". That stands for "What Would The Real Jesus Do?". I will give you a response from the Magical Jesus and the Supernatural Jesus. It's kind of like a "Dear Abby" column. This should be fun.


Join me next week for:

Monday Morning Moron: Christine O' Donnell

What They Really Believe Wednesdays: African American Christians

Freedom From Religion Friday: Conditions to reveal my identity