Freedom From Religion Fridays (One Day Late): My Athiest Funeral

This Freedom From Religion Friday is brought to you today by The Holy Ghost

The Ringo Starr, DMC, Tito Jackson and Marsha Brady of Christianity. He get's no respect.





I have showed this site to only a few people who know me personally. That made me feel good. I don't think I could do this by being totally anonymous. It's good to let some people know your secrets. Sometimes I do honestly feel a little silly. I actually went on Marvel.com, created an avatar of what I believe a "Dark Skin Disbeliever" looks like, and made a blog. But it has been a joy and pleasure. I try to make it honest, informative, and funny as much as possible. I never know what people will like. What I feel are my worst blogs, will get several visits a day. Thank you all for all of the support.

Let's begin. Shall we?

I was mapping out potential topics for future posts. In the "Freedom From Religion Fridays", I wanted to write about potential scenarios that would allow me to come "out of the closet" in terms of revealing my Atheism, in full, to the rest of the world. As far as the immediate future is concerned, my sudden death would be the most likely be the only scenario of full disclosure. When I die, it won't matter anymore what the hell people would think. I would be dead. That made me decide to write about what my atheist funeral would be like.
I am not suicidal or macabre. We are all going to die. That's a given. Well unless you are Dick Clarke. That guy will never die. For us mortals comes death. Nothing we can do to stop it. When I became an Atheist, that eventuality caused me to love the experience of life much more than I did as a Christian or Agnostic. I appreciate this miracle of life. By miracle I am not talking about supernatural, but me as a little sperm. I swam up into my mother's lady bits and fertilized an egg. The odds of a guy like my dad not pulling out, coupled with my mothers advanced age, added with those other little bastards trying to not be flushed out during the douching process is staggering. For no other reason, I think life is awesome, but short.

If you are crazy, you use funerals as a way to say goodbye to your loved ones on their way to heaven or hell. You can also be crazy enough to believe that you will become an eagle or head lice on a child from Kazakhstan after death. If you are an idiot posing as an intellectual, you believe that you have all this energy and it will float to some other being and that it will continue through the "circle of life". Which concept is crazier? Anyway, I see life as doing exactly what you are doing. If you are selfish, so be it. That's your prerogative. However, if you are generous and sharing like moi, you probably want to be remembered for your kind acts. If you aren't Martin Luther King, the only time you will get to shine will be your funeral.

But I am an atheist. Aren't funerals for theists? What kind of funeral do you expect to have? Is this satire or will your funeral spoof theistic funerals? Will it have an atheist theme?


As far as my mother is concerned I am an agnostic. She consistently reminds friends and family that I believe in God. Obviously this is not true. However, she does know that I - at minimum- believe that churches are a complete waste of time and money. When I was about 19, I knew that I was going overseas to the middle east. I was in the service at the time. I showed her that in the religion section,  my ID tags said No Rel Pref. That means no religious preference. She will more than likely find out that I am an atheist if I die before her.  I do not want any type of religious ceremony for anyone's sake. I do not personally know any preachers, deacons, priests, or rabbis. Therefore, none of them should be allowed to speak on my behalf or about me. The Saudi guy at the party store knows what I smoke and recognizes me as soon as I step in the door. He is more qualified to give my eulogy.

I live in a crime ridden urban metropolis in the United States. My parents were over the age of 40 when I was conceived. Adding those elements of my upbringing has allowed me to see over two dozen funerals. I must say (with some embarrassment) that the most humorous funerals have been for the young men who have died through some act of violence. To make it clear, the fact that another black man has died is heartbreaking. Furthermore, the random or deliberate violence is horrible. Something needs to change about that. But that does not make the sheer absurdity of their funerals less comical. Picture this real life scenario that I have seen far too often.

A young man's body is about to be placed in to the ground in a few short hours. This is a sad day for all of his family, friends, and acquaintances. Funeral music is playing, followed by a selected person reading the young brothers short lived accomplishments. Then comes what I have been waiting for. Let's call him Pastor Johnson, because there are probably more black Johnson's than any other black last name in the US. The Pastor may be an employee of the funeral home, but is usually a member of a family member's church. I say family member because the deceased most certainly was not a member of any church. It is likely that the dead man didn't own a bible, pay tithes, or even owned a suit prior to being laid to rest. He was a "Christian" by association. The presiding minister also probably did not even know the dead. That sure doesn't stop this motherfucker from giving the dead guy his final "send off". For a fee, of course. I am proud of my race, but when I hear this copycat template of a eulogy, I cringe and want to hide in a dark corner. More often than not, they sound like Reverend Brown from "Coming to America".

You know, I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Brother Brown. I do know his grandmother who frequents my church for Choir Practice (Tuesdays at 6pm), Bible Study ( Sunday at 9:30), followed by Church Service beginning promptly at 10:30 at the "Genesis to Revelation: Missionary Baptist Church" located on Washington Ave right next to Ming's Dry Cleaning. I digress. I remember Sister Brown praying hard for her grandson. She was trying to save his soul. Amen? She was praying.. for his soul to take. I say again that Sister Brown was hoping... that her grandbaby's soul would reach heaven! Hallelujah!!

Now here is where it becomes sick. This is where they placate the friends and family to make them feel better. This is where the Brown family get their money's worth. Pastor Johnson begins preaching with a different purpose. He now becomes excited and starts acting like every black preacher you see on TV.

But I know that Brother Brown made it through those pearly gates. I know he saw St. Peter and said "I am home!" I know he is looking down on us, letting us know that everything is going to be alright! He is walking with Jesus! Touching the hand of God. Receiving the HOLY SPIRIT. Oh Hallelujah!

You pretty much get the picture right. If you are black or come from a pentecostal or southern baptist background, you know exactly what I am talking about. I remember getting angry every time I told heard this generic eulogy. The same preacher would give his flock all these conditions to get into heaven. Then he would turn right around and claim that the one guy who followed none of these rules..was going to heaven. Bullshit. Shouldn't this sinful asshole be in hell? Doesn't really matter. There is no heaven anyway. The pure hypocrisy and pandering is what got to me. I don't want my family to be a part of that. If you are a Christian, it's okay to think I am going to hell. I think you are a crazy person. I will not care. I can not care. I will be dead. But you will not control the ebb and flow of my funeral. I think those are more than enough reasons why a theist cannot control my funeral.


First of all, I know that I want to make a statement. Funerals are a bizarre ceremony. There is no reason for anyone to put a bunch of chemicals in your body to make you look like you are sleeping and not decaying..slower. Just close my casket. People know what I look like. You can cremate me. Matter of fact, you can donate my body to a bunch of cannibals to drink my blood and eat my flesh. I know that sounds nasty, but Catholics do the same thing every Sunday for "good luck". I don't really give a shit what you do to my body. Because..say it with me..I'll be dead! But I guess my family will want a funeral. I will give them that.

I love the former HBO show "Six Feet Under". SPOILER ALERT



The main character Nate Fisher Jr. died towards the end of the final season of a brain hemorrhage. His funeral was "green". He had no coffin and was wrapped up in a biodegradable blanket and buried next to a tree. The coffin thing is completely unnecessary. Bugs can eat through it all anyway. Why would I deprive them of dining on my fine flesh.


The next important thing is the venue. Since a church probably wouldn't accept me, I have to think of another place. The best place I can think of is my backyard. I think there are zoning regulations that prevent me from turning my property into a cemetery. I was thinking that you can throw me into the ocean or river or something. But if you have to do the whole funeral cemetery thing, just buy the cheapest casket. Make sure to ask do they have anything in a nice cardboard.


The music that they play in funerals is excruciatingly awful. I was thinking what kind of music would I want at my funeral. How about no music at all? No one wants to hear their favorite jams when they are about to bury a loved one. Who has the time. Hurry up and get me into the ground.

My obituary will have a lot about humanism and atheism. This will be to remind people how short life our lives really are.  We only get about eighty years if you are lucky. There is no place in the sky where you will go. God has not been waiting to show you his Michael Jordan rookie card. You die. That's why everybody is crying. If people really believed in this shit, they would be happy (or sad about hell).

Finally I want people to reflect on my life. I haven't done much. But I did have a philosophy about life and everything in it. Whatever you contribute to the world should be remembered and honored. You never know how that information about you will be perceived by others.

Now I have to go print this out. My mother will probably think that my wife is lying if she tells her " Your son was an atheist and thinks that all religions are bullshit." In case my family tries to put my body in a church, you all have to be my witnesses. Okay? Thanks.

Finally this article is dedicated to Pat Tillman, his brother Richard, and the Tillman family. Being a former member of the armed forces, I really don't understand how a guy could turn down $2 million a year from the NFL.  I thought the guy was crazy when I heard that. He has totally become my hero recently. Read this excerpt from newsbusters.org

As the actor Richard Tillman – brother of former Army Ranger and former NFL player Pat Tillman – appeared as a guest on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday promoting the film "The Tillman Story" about his brother’s death in Afghanistan, host Maher played a clip from Pat Tillman’s funeral in which Richard Tillman mocked the religious references made at the funeral by speakers Maria Shriver and John McCain. Maher went on to praise Richard Tillman as having "a lot of balls" for his words as there was also moderate applause from the audience.
Maher set up the clip: "But, you know, they had Maria Shriver and John McCain... Speaking there, and Maria said, "Pat, you are home. You are safe." And McCain said, "You will see Pat again when a loving God reunites us all with our loved ones."
Then came a clip of Richard Tillman speaking at the funeral while nearly crying: "Thank you for coming. Pat’s a f------ champion and always will be. Just make a mistake, he’d want me to say this. He’s not with God. He’s f------ dead. He’s not religious. So thanks for your thoughts, but he’s f------ dead."
After applause from the audience, Maher responded, "That’s a lot of balls, my friend."


Read more: http://newsbusters.org/blogs/brad-wilmouth/2010/09/24/maher-praises-pat-tillman-brother-richard-s-rip-against-religion-fune#ixzz10YTXDMQ7

See you all next week.