When you need a schizophrenic, son murdering (almost), pimp who is overly obsessed with penis foreskin, accept no substitutes.
Let me start this article off with the normal Atheistic disclaimer. I am not saying that Abraham was a real person. I have huge doubts that a bunch of people in the desert 4,000 years ago could cultivate an oral history or written language that would lead back to only one guy. Please take this article on the hypothesis that he really was an actual person.
As far back as I can remember, I began asking questions more advanced than "Why does my poop stink", they have been about the bible difficult and worrysome to adults. Most of them were about the bible. It was the first book I learned to read and I quickly began quoting verses at a young age. Oftentimes, I would ask adults what they actually meant. It was usually some circumventive response that seemed unbelievable. This was especially true when it came to Abraham.
I have always thought - without a doubt – that Abraham was the craziest person in the Old Testament. His entire story was not only a fairy tale, but a scary tale. If you read Genesis, you can tell it was the first attempt at story telling. The further back you go, the more insane the ideas are. The Abraham story is the Hope Diamond of all crazy stories. Keep in mind; this is the guy responsible for all three Judeo-Christian religions. Let's begin.
Today we will talk about how Abraham is crazy. Not like the kid who ate glue in Mrs. Anderson's class. We will also discuss how awful of a father he was. He made Michael Jackson seem like father of the year. And finally, the bullshit factor and how it relates to the retardation of a society. This is my interpretation. It is more than likely more probable than the one you have been told to believe.
Abraham was probably one of the craziest people ever. Just go and read the bible. The story of his life is found in Genesis, from chapter 11:26 to 25:10. Even if you are Atheist, this is so entertaining. I defy any Christian to say that despite my comedic interpretation – I am talking out of my ass.
The fun begins when God told him, his lazy wife Sarai, and Cousin Lot to get the hell out and do something with their lives. I mean he is a young and spry 75 years of age. He has his whole life ahead of him. So they enter Canaan, settle there probably like Old Testament folks do so well. Problem is, they have money, but not Sean "Puffy" Combs money.
Abraham knew his wife was hot. So hot, that they could scam the shit out of people especially the rich and powerful. The trick was to enter a city and say that they were siblings. The bible says because she is so fine that the men would try to kill Abraham and take Sarai. So they enter Egypt with his "sister". Eventually the Pharaoh takes Sarai on into his harem.
Clearly she had sex with The Pharaoh considering that a Pharaoh would not take a chick into his entourage and not hit that. Not long after that, old Pharaoh gets sick and realizes something is afoul. How would he come to that conclusion? I am just putting 2 and 2 together. Lies harems, stricken with sickness? All leads to a pimp and prostitute/ con artist relationship. Then the bible (without explanation) says that they left Egypt rich. Why would he let them keep all those riches? If I can make any sense of that story, Abraham and Sarai held hostage the antidote to the disease she gave him. Go ahead and say I am full of it, but go read this book word for word.
Keep in mind that God comes to Abraham over and over again telling him how he will build a great nation. He says nothing about science, algebra, curing of diseases, his cell phone number or anything that would be useful to people. Nope. He only talks about how great Abraham is and how he is going to destroy this evil city. Also, let's ignore the fact that God never talks to Abraham in front of other people. That would only prove God exists and is not a figment of his imagination.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+12&version=NIV
Well anyway, they were on to the next scam. Same shit, different king. Only this time Sarai doesn't even have to give it up. Now Abraham was hood rich! He had whorish wife, his cattle, some gold, and even a little nice looking slave girl Hagar. What more could a 100 year old man ask for? A baby that cries all night of course. When God actually comes down to you and says you are going to start a dynasty of lunatics, you have to pass on those genes to another male. But Sarai is old. Not J-Lo old. She is Betty White old by now. After scamming Kings and Pharaohs, her cooch has run its course. So Sarai suggests that Abraham knock up that young handmaiden Hagar.
So Hagar get's pregnant and has a son, Ishmael. Now the little handmaiden probably has her own slaves. Her shit no longer stinks. She has given Abraham his first son. Sarai (did I mention that she was Barbara Bush old) was steaming. This little bitch who used to clean the shit from her shoes is acting all uppity. She was pissed. She started fucking with Hagar big time. Mistress Sarai was probably flicking her ears, stealing her good sandals, and even peeing in her lemonade, just to get her and that bastard out of the house. Forget the fact that she is the one who suggested that Abraham fuck the help. Sarai wanted a baby. And she wanted one now!
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2016&version=KJV
What could possibly go wrong? Stay tuned to the conclusion of Monday Morning Moron tomorrow when we see when a crazy man finally does have children, a glimpse into his offspring, and why every Christian, Muslim, and Jew needs to seriously re-evaluate their faith.
Today we have learned that God will make crazy people the leaders of 3 major religions on earth. Just make sure your wife is hot and is willing to bang as many heads of state as possible. And when her diseases and old age prevent her from having a kid, your wife will tell you to bang a housekeeper.
Oh, man...that was so good! I remember almost falling asleep when this story was discussed in bible study. I can't wait for the next one.
ReplyDeleteWOW!! That was great!
ReplyDelete